"Yates, I think I'll work on leaving home for college as my issue." This is the voice of Dorothy James, a senior in my psychology class at Punahou School. We are having a conference to decide the topic for her final project. Dorothy is an excellent student and the star of our discussion group; she was always "there" for the members of our group. She would listen intensely as members of the group shared their feelings; the group relied on her ability to reflect on these feelings with sensitivity, concern, support and humor. Dorothy was a natural at facilitating a group; and yet I was concerned that she was avoiding dealing with the emotions related to her own issues. There were times when I could feel her discomfort and pain and this was one of them. A voice inside of my head is screaming for me to speak up and tell her what I feel. Suddenly a ray of clarity hits me, and I ask for her permission to be honest. "I'd like to tell you what I feel and I need your permission and your support."

"Sure," Dorothy replied. "Go for it Yates," she was speaking through a strained smile.

"Dorothy," I began, carefully choosing my words, "I don't think leaving home is your issue; I think you are struggling with some real hurt and sadness."

With that the floodgates opened and Dorothy began to cry uncontrollably as she replayed the details of the major hurts of her childhood. Pausing from time to time to catch her breath and wipe away the tears, she seemed to gain strength as she pushed on to define her issue. "The real issue," she said, slumped over in utter sadness and rejection, "is I feel that I have been a major disappointment to my parents and I'm not worthy of their love." And so it was, Dorothy had identified her issue and now the real work had begun.

Attached
Two weeks later Dorothy turned in her final project. It was sealed in a large envelope and marked:

C O N F I D E N T I A L
Yates, please don't share any of this,
I don't want to be an example in your class!

Dorothy was referring to my tendency to share real life examples to define important psychological terms. She began her paper by thanking me for taking the risk and for knowing that she was struggling. In what seemed liked twenty pages of dialogue she worked at describing the events of her childhood that contributed to her issue and the gut wrenching experience of sharing her feelings about these events with her parents. Much to her surprise and to the credit of her parents, they embraced her sharing and listened with empathy. Together, Dorothy and her mother and father started to rebuild their relationship. In the process, Dorothy was soon to discover, "that my parents have loved me all along. I blamed some of my early problems on them and before I knew it I was convinced that my parents didn't love me." Dorothy began to take responsibility for this decision and for her actions. "I worked hard at making amends with my parents and establishing the guidelines that would allow us to communicate in the future."
Note: By definition, to be attached is to hold on to a decision despite evidence to the contrary. For example, the runner who runs despite a painful injury is attached to the idea that she should be able to push through the pain. The act of being attached becomes a serious issue when your decision begins to threaten your health and well being.

Secure
The change in Dorothy was dramatic; she had replaced the strained smile with a more relaxed and confident sense of well being. I gave her the highest grade on her paper and an A+ for the course. We gave slaps, hugged and celebrated her success in resolving her issue. She walked across campus with a new bounce in her step. At times, she seemed to be strutting as if to celebrate her new feelings of confidence. Every time we met on campus we greeted each other with huge signs of appreciation and approval. With the love of her family clearly in place, Dorothy began the process of completing her senior year and preparing for college. "I was having a great time; I enjoyed my role as "nurturer" of our group and I took my job seriously, providing good times, plenty of laughs and food." During this time, Dorothy was secure in her relationship with food. She derived great pleasure from eating; "food was my drug of choice, I could always depend on it to provide me comfort." Despite a summer of vigorous exercise programs, Dorothy gained weight. She reported for orientation at Willamette University at 205 pounds.

Change
Dorothy now admits that the thought of gaining an additional "freshman 15 (pounds)" was a concern. In her words, "I was afraid if I got any bigger I wouldn't be able to fit in my seat on the plane ride home at Christmas." However, Dorothy was secure and amazingly calm. "I went through some homesickness and I hated the weather, but I quickly adjusted to my new life." Gone was the pressure of "fitting the Punahou Image of looking and dressing just right." Also gone was "the circle of my friends who depended on me to be the nurturer." In her newfound freedom, her performance soared; taking a full load of core classes she made straight A's, socially she began to date boys "that I would not have had the courage to talk to in high school." She began to exercise regularly "because it felt good," and her relationship with food began to change: "I didn't need the comfort." Returning home at Christmas she impressed her friends with how much she had changed. Dorothy weighed herself for the first time. She knew her clothes were fitting her differently, but without any conscious effort to lose weight, she was startled to see that she weighed 185 pounds. Inspired by her weight loss, she began to train with a goal in mind. "I exercised on a regular basis, nothing fanatical, and I simply focused on the amount of food I ate." She finished the school year weighing 165 pounds. Realizing that she wanted more of an academic challenge, she began to look for schools that offered graduate programs in psychology. At the same time, Dorothy's boyfriend, a very large and handsome young man wanted her to move to San Francisco and live with him. Dorothy was tempted, "I really love him and I didn't want to lose him." Dorothy stated her intentions, "I'm going to attend Oregon State, I will visit you twice a semester and do everything possible to maintain our relationship. I hope this will work for you." It did and it has. Dorothy and her boyfriend are still an item.

"Wow, that's a change," I commented. "I'd say," laughed Dorothy. "In high school, I could not have imagined me with such a hunk for a boyfriend, much less having the courage to manage a long distance relationship."

From that time to present she has stayed true to her plan. Dorothy now weighs 145 pounds. Dorothy has experienced CHANGE. Recently a friend from childhood walked by her without a hint of recognition.

Update
Dorothy talks openly about the change that has produced a new and improved relationship with her parents, her friends, her boyfriend and most importantly… herself. "I eat a healthy diet, but I don't starve myself and I don't miss any fun. As much as I hated the way I looked back then, food was my one source of security. I could always rely on it to make me feel good. Now I have the ability to take care of myself and provide my own comfort. If I get upset I communicate my feelings; I don't stuff them and use food to kill the pain. I feel good about my ability to be nice to my friends and my boyfriend without needing to take care of them. I can listen to their problems with empathy and resist the temptation to take on their problems. I now make decisions that reflect what I want to accomplish; I'm no longer focused on gaining the approval of my parents, pleasing my friends or impressing my boyfriend. For the first time I am completely free to be me and it feels really good."

Summary
The feelings that I wanted to share with Dorothy in our conference had to do with my concern that her weight was the source of her hurt and sadness. As it turns out, Dorothy had confronted the issue of her weight a few years earlier and credits Kristen Lindsey Dudley, a Nutritional Counselor at Kapiolani Hospital with making her see that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. The key to Dorothy's weight loss involved the discovery that "weight loss is an individual and personal matter; the person in question has to be ready to develop a new relationship with food. I was secure and ready. Thank God, I never dreamed that life could be this much fun or that I could be this happy."

Purpose
The purpose of this story is to recognize and acknowledge Dorothy for having the courage to face and resolve her issues. While her story may seem simple on paper and perhaps a little like magic, believe me it is neither. Dorothy spent years coping with the pain and suffering related to not feeling good about herself and her relationships. The feelings of joy and celebration that now characterize her life are the result of free will, hard work, and perseverance. Dorothy's story is about a teen-age girl in pain who stopped putting up with the discomfort. At the age of 16, she started a process that allowed her to discover that she was not the victim. Dorothy began to make decisions that would transform her life; including the way she felt about herself, the way she related to her parents, the way she looked, the way she related to her friends, the way she related to boys and the way she pursued her goals. First, she confronted her issue with her size. After extensive counseling, she accepted her fate. Dorothy was a big girl, comfortable with her size, but not really. Next, she confronted her issue with her parents, and after hours of intense family meetings she resolved the hurt and sadness that previously characterized their relationship. Dorothy felt the love and support of her family and she stepped out of her comfort zone. Next, she confronted her issue with her weight and established a new relationship with food and exercise. Dorothy began to think and train like an athlete and she lost 60 pounds. Simultaneously, she stopped putting other peoples needs before her own. Dorothy began to trust her feelings and make her own decisions. From this point forward, Dorothy's life began to take off. She was inspired by the lessons she had learned and motivated to seize every opportunity for growth. Dorothy went from settling for a life that she didn't want to accepting the way it was, and then finally to establishing her own level of mutual dependence on herself and the people that are important to her. In short, Dorothy has a new capacity for living; she is healthier, happier and better able to accept and express love. Perhaps Dorothy says it best, "Yates, I have a life."